Hey! I recently started dating someone, and it is both of our first relationships. We have only been dating for 5 months. We both go to the same college in NY, and we recently decided to make a 3-day road trip in Early September.
The financial discussions for our upcoming trip have been a bit awkward, and we sorta decided that I will be footing the bill for the hotel, while he would cover gas and food. I felt like this was a bit unfair, as the cost of the hotel is probably ~3x what gas/food would cost us. I had brought this up and I noticed it was a bit of a trigger for him, and it was clear he wasn’t too keen on having the discussion. I don’t think this comes from malice, but more so that money discussions are always awkward, and this is both of our first relationships.
I had offered to split it so that he pays a quarter of the hotel charge, and he sort of reluctantly said yes, but mentioned he doesn’t have the money right now, so I didn’t really push further.
Both of us have different perspectives on money - he is a lot more frivolous than me in spending, while I’m pretty frugal. Even though we’re both in university, I have more disposable income than him (mostly because of my frugality).
I’m worried that I will resent him during and after the trip because of this, and I know I need to bring it up to him, but I don’t know how I should approach it. I do really want to go on the trip, and I realize that I may be too “cheap” and should let things go. At the same time, I’m feeling more and more resentful whenever he mentions how he spent money buying (non-essential) new clothes or books. I’ve been bottling it up for a bit since he’s going through a bit of a rough patch, but the date of the trip is approaching and I can’t keep my mind off things.
To clarify, my questions are:
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How do I bring it up to him? I’m worried if it feels like too much like an ultimatum, we’d have to cancel the trip.
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Should I just “suck it up”? I know in relationships things aren’t always equal. I would like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same, but I’m not sure if he would.
I can not emphasize how much I like him. My post may have made this sound like a toxic relationship but it is anything but. It’s just one small part of an otherwise amazing relationship.
Just a heads up - I use a website called split wise to divvy up costs for trips. You add everyone involved, and each person adds their expenses as well as how to share each one. It really makes it easy to fairly divide the cost, and it’ll run the numbers and say, for example, if you paid 3x what he did on the hotel, then he owes you x dollars.
In this case, I’d have both of y’all add expenses and divide them down the center. That should be the status quo - this website makes it easy to split down the center so there’s no real excuse not to. If he wants to deviate from that, then he needs to talk about why, whether it be due to differing financial backgrounds or financial priorities. Until you have that conversation, there is no reason why you should not be splitting costs equally besides the hassle of doing so, and this website removes that hassle so there will be no excuses left.