After crying basically every day for the last week I realised I’m not coping and that my partner has been letting me down, I have finally asked for more help. Looking after a baby basically by yourself 24 hours a day and being sleep deprived is hard.
I was trying to be the perfect mum, partner, housewife… I had this idea that if I did all the chores and cooking etc, partner would have more time to take baby when he’s home. Guess what he did instead? Play Zelda all day. Lol.
Well I’ve asked him to step it up. We have a sleep consultant coming to help with baby’s sleep. I’m going to hold MIL to her promise to come help out more. I’m considering trying to get baby into daycare earlier than we thought for a day a week so I can reclaim some sanity… we shall see.
Good on you for asking for help. I remember the early days when my husband would come home and say “I’ve worked all day. I’m tired. I need to relax” and I said to him “that’s fine. That’s understandable but when is it my time to relax because you’ve clocked off now when do I get to”. He thought about it for about 3 seconds and went “ah let’s work something out”. Sometimes we don’t realise what others are going through until it’s pointed out. Compromise and compassion is the key here.
Yes that’s exactly it. He works long and hard at a job he wants to leave so I totally get it. But I’ve had to really start articulating that I am up every 2-3 hours at night PLUS looking after baby all day. A baby who is much harder work than the sleepy little newborn he got to know on his parental leave! We are just in this awkward phase where baby has a lot more needs so the load is heavier and we haven’t quite figured out how to distribute it.
I only just discovered the other week that if I hold baby facing away from me (not towards me) he won’t scream bloody murder. Sometimes you gotta adapt and overcome.
I can only tell you how we did it but everyone has different needs. When my husband came home he had about a half an hour to detox then he took over baby duties. That gave me time to prepare dinner, go shopping, etc. When it was bath time I’d wash baby then he took over dressing her and feeding I then was able to wash and care for myself. On the weekends he took one day I took the other to get stuff done uninterrupted. Housework, self care, shopping whatever needed to be done. What we did is communicate what important things need to get done and everything else is flexible. Baby’s needs always comes first.
That is helpful, thank you for sharing! I have been considering proposing a full day each type system for the weekends. Right now it’s hodge podge and it ends up I’m still doing most of the work. He never says no if I ask him to take the baby but it’s annoying to even have to ask and not know when/if I’ll get my “me” time. Usually it ends up happening right at the end of the day when I’m too tired to then do anything I actually want to do.
That happens a lot. We get to the end of the day and we’re too exhausted to do anything else. I would advise to write a list of important things that need to be done so you don’t forget them. I did point out to my husband that he is a grown arse man who can feed and care for himself. My baby can not so my priority is for her. He then admitted that he would not want it any other way.
It took me so long to learn this. My ex was just as passive aggressive and emotion driven as I am, so we were just in an echo chamber of passive-aggressiveness and expecting the other to read our minds. I made the effort to anticipate his needs but he never did the same for me.
It wasn’t until I got in a relationship with mr. Omoikiri that I realised how irrational that mindset is. Maybe it’s because he’s an engineer and very solutions-driven or maybe it’s because English is his second language and just didn’t pick up on the cues I was throwing out, but eventually he was like “this isn’t working. I can’t read your mind. We can’t address problems if you don’t tell me that there’s a problem.” It was like a slap in the face in the best possible way.
Sometimes it’s so frustrating and I just want him to instinctively know what I need because how can he not see it, but only we know what’s going on in our brains and emotions and only we can speak for them. So we need to because otherwise no one else will and you’ll just drown in it.
That last paragraph - yep!!! I was hinting like “I have no time to myself” and then being frustrated when things wouldn’t change enough. I don’t think the sleep deprivation has helped me with clear and rational communication haha.
Then I was like. Ok just ask more explicitly for what I need. I wish I could just have my needs anticipated and taken care of but such is life I suppose.
Well that all sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through it. First of all, avoid working towards perfection. Those Insta mums who sip a magic whilst doing some Dawn seaside yoga have help at home garanteed. Your job is to keep them alive, that should be the only goal.
Second of all, dads on every fucking nappy during the day! What he’s in leave and not doing anything? Bullshit. It’s his kid too!
I have to remind myself multiple times a day the other women I see have family, paid help, etc. It’s so hard! I’m a very driven person and I love looking after my baby but it’s also not intellectually stimulating at all haha. I need my projects!
Yeah it’s so weird because he was really good for ages. I didn’t have to ask for things. He would do things for me and look after me. Then it hit a point somewhere where I’m like, literally having to ask basic things like if he can please do the nappy change or take him so I can sleep in. And I think that’s why it got to a yuck place because I’ve also been confused as to why/how/when things changed. We still need to have a bigger talk about That.
After crying basically every day for the last week I realised I’m not coping and that my partner has been letting me down, I have finally asked for more help. Looking after a baby basically by yourself 24 hours a day and being sleep deprived is hard.
I was trying to be the perfect mum, partner, housewife… I had this idea that if I did all the chores and cooking etc, partner would have more time to take baby when he’s home. Guess what he did instead? Play Zelda all day. Lol.
Well I’ve asked him to step it up. We have a sleep consultant coming to help with baby’s sleep. I’m going to hold MIL to her promise to come help out more. I’m considering trying to get baby into daycare earlier than we thought for a day a week so I can reclaim some sanity… we shall see.
Good on you for asking for help. I remember the early days when my husband would come home and say “I’ve worked all day. I’m tired. I need to relax” and I said to him “that’s fine. That’s understandable but when is it my time to relax because you’ve clocked off now when do I get to”. He thought about it for about 3 seconds and went “ah let’s work something out”. Sometimes we don’t realise what others are going through until it’s pointed out. Compromise and compassion is the key here.
Yes that’s exactly it. He works long and hard at a job he wants to leave so I totally get it. But I’ve had to really start articulating that I am up every 2-3 hours at night PLUS looking after baby all day. A baby who is much harder work than the sleepy little newborn he got to know on his parental leave! We are just in this awkward phase where baby has a lot more needs so the load is heavier and we haven’t quite figured out how to distribute it.
I only just discovered the other week that if I hold baby facing away from me (not towards me) he won’t scream bloody murder. Sometimes you gotta adapt and overcome.
LOL funny and random trick but hey if it works it works
I can only tell you how we did it but everyone has different needs. When my husband came home he had about a half an hour to detox then he took over baby duties. That gave me time to prepare dinner, go shopping, etc. When it was bath time I’d wash baby then he took over dressing her and feeding I then was able to wash and care for myself. On the weekends he took one day I took the other to get stuff done uninterrupted. Housework, self care, shopping whatever needed to be done. What we did is communicate what important things need to get done and everything else is flexible. Baby’s needs always comes first.
That is helpful, thank you for sharing! I have been considering proposing a full day each type system for the weekends. Right now it’s hodge podge and it ends up I’m still doing most of the work. He never says no if I ask him to take the baby but it’s annoying to even have to ask and not know when/if I’ll get my “me” time. Usually it ends up happening right at the end of the day when I’m too tired to then do anything I actually want to do.
That happens a lot. We get to the end of the day and we’re too exhausted to do anything else. I would advise to write a list of important things that need to be done so you don’t forget them. I did point out to my husband that he is a grown arse man who can feed and care for himself. My baby can not so my priority is for her. He then admitted that he would not want it any other way.
big hugs
and yes, we can’t rely on people reading our minds, if you want something you have to say it
It took me so long to learn this. My ex was just as passive aggressive and emotion driven as I am, so we were just in an echo chamber of passive-aggressiveness and expecting the other to read our minds. I made the effort to anticipate his needs but he never did the same for me.
It wasn’t until I got in a relationship with mr. Omoikiri that I realised how irrational that mindset is. Maybe it’s because he’s an engineer and very solutions-driven or maybe it’s because English is his second language and just didn’t pick up on the cues I was throwing out, but eventually he was like “this isn’t working. I can’t read your mind. We can’t address problems if you don’t tell me that there’s a problem.” It was like a slap in the face in the best possible way.
Sometimes it’s so frustrating and I just want him to instinctively know what I need because how can he not see it, but only we know what’s going on in our brains and emotions and only we can speak for them. So we need to because otherwise no one else will and you’ll just drown in it.
That last paragraph - yep!!! I was hinting like “I have no time to myself” and then being frustrated when things wouldn’t change enough. I don’t think the sleep deprivation has helped me with clear and rational communication haha.
Then I was like. Ok just ask more explicitly for what I need. I wish I could just have my needs anticipated and taken care of but such is life I suppose.
Well that all sucks. I’m sorry you’re going through it. First of all, avoid working towards perfection. Those Insta mums who sip a magic whilst doing some Dawn seaside yoga have help at home garanteed. Your job is to keep them alive, that should be the only goal.
Second of all, dads on every fucking nappy during the day! What he’s in leave and not doing anything? Bullshit. It’s his kid too!
I have to remind myself multiple times a day the other women I see have family, paid help, etc. It’s so hard! I’m a very driven person and I love looking after my baby but it’s also not intellectually stimulating at all haha. I need my projects!
Yeah it’s so weird because he was really good for ages. I didn’t have to ask for things. He would do things for me and look after me. Then it hit a point somewhere where I’m like, literally having to ask basic things like if he can please do the nappy change or take him so I can sleep in. And I think that’s why it got to a yuck place because I’ve also been confused as to why/how/when things changed. We still need to have a bigger talk about That.